I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
