I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
