After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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