Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
