I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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