____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
