Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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