oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Randomize
