This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
