So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
