she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
