you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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