She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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