I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
