he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
