Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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