tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this just has baby written all over it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Drunk is not a location!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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