she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
