Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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