I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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