It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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