Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
