My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
