fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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