i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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