i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She needs sedatives and a leash
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
