??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You made out with two different species that night
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
