I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
