i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
