then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
