I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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