I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize