Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
