...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
