Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
