JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
