and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
