im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
