I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
