Someone shit on the floor
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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