i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
