I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
