I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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