im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
