Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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