and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
