how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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