It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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