I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
