Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
