So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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