My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
