So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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