So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
