I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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