your parents love me but you hate me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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