I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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