I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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